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'Idol' Recap: Sorry Chi-Town, But No
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- Created on Tuesday, 19 January 2010 22:00
- Written by Webstaff
Here we are again. It feels like it’s been so long since last week. I miss this feeling.
I’m comforted by all the pervasive language in the opening sequence. Cussing reminds us we’re alive. Wow, not making Chi-town look so great.
A half-assed Obama tribute. Lest we forget this is FOX, people.
Shania Twain is with us tonight. Kara sort of introduces her and is perfectly annoying at it. Simon hugs her. Sparks? We all know she aint with the “You’re Still the One” guy anymore. That song was noticeably absent from her package.
Katelyn Epperly
Sob Story numero uno for the evening. The mom got up and left by the dad. Katelyn has a nice voice, though. I love that Duffy song. The judges try to be hard on her – for no real reason – but then pass her on through to Hollywood. Hugs from the jilted Mom and we’re off to commercials, one of which is Kris Allen’s Ford commercial…again.
Some Chicago nicknames, celebrities and a guy with a funny hat. Yawn.
Amy Lang
I don’t know where to begin with this girl. From her bouncing, boxing boobs to her painfully realistic ability to fake faint, she was one helluva hot mess. I respect her confidence, though.
Charity Vance
Cameras at home. I smell a golden ticket. This girl has parents who both dress hair for a living. No no, she’s not the daughter of two, gay dads. Her mom and dad co-run a salon, and apparently Charity sings for the patrons. This girl seems a lot little weird to me, but she’s got a nice voice. She’s in and her parents and friends dance and hug us to commercial. These folks are giving me a friggen’ toothache.
We’re welcomed back with a montage of wacka-doodle-doos. Big girl splits and speech impediments galore, this package was a true pain to watch.
While the judges take a break, we get more shots of more cussing. Cussing and crying. Some girl says Simon messed up on her like he messed up on Jennifer Hudson, so Simon goes and confronts the family. He and the mom have a sexy/funny moment and I think about how nice it would’ve been to see another audition instead of that.
Angela Martin
Here's a familiar face. She made it to Hollywood last year but never actually made it to Hollywood due to a warrant for her arrest. Just a measly traffic violation. I remember her from last year, and as soon as she opens her mouth to sing I’m reminded of what a good singer she is. The judges love her – again – and she makes it on to Hollywood. Don't drive yourself to H-wood, Ange.
That’s it for Day 1 and we get a quick glimpse of the people we could have seen instead of dumb side stories with judges and angry parents or montages of people swearing. So far Chicago has been way less than amazing...
Curley Newbern
So Day 2 picks up right where Day 1 left off with this guy. He looks a bit like a pimp but sounds more squirrel-like. He seems to realize he’s not good and just sort of wanders out of the room. Sad.
Alannah Halbert
This girl looks like one of those precious moments figurines. I’ve always loathed the things. Her voice is bad, thank God. She claims not to know why she got a “no” as she exits. We all know why, darling. We all know.
A spaghetti-western vignette is next. More dumb filler. Thanks for that!
Bryan Krause
I can’t get past the fact that this guy looks so much like this guy it’s crazy. He says he’s come to channel his inner Tiny Tim, but his audition somehow manages to become even weirder than a Tiny Tim performance. Naturally, no one says yes. Kara becomes even more condescending than usual with more of that uber-annoying wrist flailing from side to side. And we’re off to commercial yet again.
Harold Davis
This guy sings mostly not well at all, but he sings decently enough that I believe him when he seems to think he’s good. For the record, he's really not good. Not nearly good enough, anyway. He doesn’t make it, blames it on allergies and then cries. Now that’s sad.
Montage of losas. Pass. Pass. Pass.
John Park
I like John’s Panic at the Disco haircut. He’s working it. Great voice! Shania Twain falls all over herself complimenting him and consequently falls right into Randy’s jokes that are more obvious than lewd. Gotta love the wacky hijinx at the Idol judges’ table. You don't really gotta love it. You can lovingly hate it like I do. John is a definite ‘yes’ from everyone and he’s on to Hollywood.
After a mere two auditions, and a series of footage cut together for the sole purpose of making the average JOE viewer feel better about himself, we are off to commercial - again!
Paige Dechausse
Paige has a fairly large back story, so you can read between those lines. Turns out she had a nearly fatal asthma attack as a kid. I hate her bad hair but I like her sultry voice. While she waits for Randy to make the deciding vote, we notice that the poor girl has her inhaler with her. That makes me feel bad about the hair comment. Not bad because it’s not true (it is). Randy says "yes" and Paige is in.
Before we bid Chi-town farewell, we see the last couple folks that made it to Hollywood. Again, would've been nice to see these people instead of squirrel pimp and Harry Potter character. Whatevs.
Tomorrow night the Idol gang welcomes Kristen Chenoweth and heads to the place I once called home, known more commonly to most as the place Where Dreams Come True. (Lame-ity Lame Lame.)